HisStory

I don’t remember life without knowing God. In my heart I always knew He was there and talked with Him off and on for as long as I can remember. I went through stages where I said hello in passing, loved singing songs to Him, and promised to keep the commandments I had not already broken. I made my first commitment to Him in middle school with first communion and again in confirmation. Although I did not grasp the gravity of what walking with Him meant then, I did grasp that walking with Him was a commitment I needed to say, mean, and do. I did grasp that it was a commitment I needed to make on my own; not just follow what others did. During this time, I was blessed to see a few great women follow Him with passion. One was my pastor, who eventually went to Slovokia to spend time in the mission field. It was knowing her that I knew this was something I wanted to do. I went to a Christian college, one where I first saw a group of my peers on fire for God when I was part of a youth leadership program in high school. I was excited to push into Christ. In college, I searched for Him halfheartedly, distracted by being on my own, afraid and unsure of how to take the next step on my own. I found myself giving excuses for why I could not travel overseas and I never found a church where I fit. I moved south for more college, and began to get sick. I have had kidney disease since I was in middle school, but it was here that I knew that I was not doing well. I ended up leaving school to get better health care, since all I was told by doctors was that I was depressed because I was in grad school. Now depression is something very real and very devastating for many people; it just was not what was making me feel tired. I interviewed for a job, thinking it would be good practice to get used to interviewing. I ended up walking in, smiling at a ball pit, and walked out 2 hours later with a new job. Looking back it is clear this was a complete God thing.

Over the next year I worked a lot, slept a lot, and eventually went in for testing, where I found my kidney’s were not doing well. I went in for testing where the option was either 1. We don’t know what is wrong or 2. You’ll probably need a new kidney by 30. Oh boy was I angry. I sinned and the enemy saw an opening. Over the next few years I teetered on the edge of getting sick, covering it as best as I could by living in front of people and sleeping. I ran a lot. It was running where I duked it out with God. I blamed Him for letting me die without getting married, raising a family, living my life. I blamed Him for trying to kill me. I was ticked, I was angry, and I sinned. I opened the door to be under attack and the enemy tried to keep me away from Him. But I fought back. I fought, because I believed that I was not put on this earth to sit and wait to die, but to get out and live. I fought to discover what I was living for if earthy death was a guarantee; maybe coming sooner than I thought. But I was still angry at Him for a long time.

Ephesians 4:26-32

Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil….And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.

As I read Ephesians 4, I thought I have been angry at God for a long time and I can’t be angry at someone I don’t love, hate, yes, but angry, no. This was a turning point for my relationship with God. I began to see more of His love and less of my anger. In 2007 I reaffirmed by commitment to God. I had turned my back on Him over and over again and as I journaled in January of that year, the words on my page “I choose to believe You are enough” jumped out and I prayed those over and over. I had to let go of all of my anger and choose Him . I smiled to God for the first time in a long time that day. It took months to let go of the anger, of turning my back to His requests for commitment.

I finally chose Him over death, now that I understood more concretely what death meant. Death is something that even as a young child I held a lot of anxiety about. Through the experiences I faced as I was being tested for conditions that predicted I would be sick or in kidney failure by now, God took my anxiety about death and replaced it with the promise of one day I will get to go home! It amazes me every morning that God lets me live another day, that He lets me be a piece of His earthy plan. I love being able to thank Him, smile, and say I love you daily when I wake up. Now there are still times this anxiety creeps in, but God lets me see the blessing that each day is a gift. That each day someone may see a piece of Him in me because by His grace I am here. That each day I get to see another piece of Him in others because by His grace I am here another day. There are great days where I get to be a server and receiver of His love. And there are tough days where God is kind and he provides for me in abundance when I am unable to serve Him well, if at all. God provides for me each day; in the past when I was too tired to do much, God provided. Today in health, I am so thankful for all He lets me do with His energy. I finally made it overseas and there is a sweetness to it each time because I remember the sadness of saying no to many trips because I physically cold not have handled the rigors of short term missions a few short years ago. I would have spent my time sleeping and being sick instead of living in community growing God’s kingdom. It actually excites me to be able to say, I am just tired, not fatigued, not sick, just tired. My journey has taught me that you don’t have to be an all star to hit it out of the ballpark with God, you just have to trust that God will send His ball flying.

God has provided me with great folks that showed me how to love; that broadened my ability to love others like family quickly. He gave me a job where I honed my skills to provide great care for others, where I woke up each morning knowing I was able to go out into God's mission field daily. All of this helped to prepare me for serving God’s kingdom daily, whether overseas or at home.

All that being said, the most amazing part of this journey to me, the one that baffles me the most is that God, through His grace and generosity, has entrusted me with His power. He showed His power so clearly with my health, through the care of physicians and the prayers of many, he has brought back health. He has shown His kindness in teaching me about His eternal Kingdom, letting me travel and loving His people daily. I take it as an awesome gift, but also a huge responsibility. I don’t deserve any of His trust; His love; His generosity, but He gave it anyway. It is a gift I don’t take lightly, and I find it is both joyous and scary at the same time. I choose to live my life each day for Him.